"i wake up, and the day feels broken
I tilt my head, I'm trying to get an angle
cause the evening i've always longed for,
it could still happen
how do I master the perfect day?
six glasses of water, seven phone calls
if you leave it alone, it might just happen anyway"

it's gonna be quite hard to write this thought out in a way that doesn't sound like i'm telling you to "live! laugh! love! life is only once! enjoy it while it lasts! have lots of children and build a loving christian household!" but on ocassion, i tend to experience vast swathes of time where it's difficult for me to find the value in each given day. often times, these stretches of days will all blend together, feeling like one very long day, just waking up and going back to sleep."

what i, of course, struggle to understand at those times (which is not my fault, but still), is that there is always something worth remembering from each day. always. seriously. there will be days where it's not as easy to know where to look for it, but the things worth being grateful for don't just stop showing up.

here are a couple things i wrote a few months ago for myself to read whenever i feel like i haven't "gotten anything done" today (whatever that means), to remind myself of the little things that actually matter cherishing during the blink of an eye we actually get to experience them, and that i actually am quite useful everyday.

• did you wake up early today?
• did your kitty say hi to you today?
• did you show up to the gym today?
• did you make someone laugh today?
• did you learn something today?
• did you play guitar today?
• did you read today?
• did you do your chores today?

this is, of course, a list for me. it's a list i wrote for myself of the things i do every day that matter to me. it's gonna be a different list for every person (and there is always a list), but it's good for trying to see my day from another angle, or if i actually haven't done any of those things, maybe spend the rest of the day focusing on one of them. and if it's too late today, or if i don't have enough energy today, then maybe tomorrow i'll get a chance to try doing them again.

it's okay to let time pass. time is just time. it's not coming from anywhere, and it's not going anywhere. not all of your time needs to be worth its weight in gold, and it's okay to let it "go to waste" because time doesn't require being exploited by you to be valuable, just like a person isn't only as valuable as much as they make themselves useful to society. both time and living beings are miracles of their own, and they transcend naive human notions of value, simply by virtue of their existence. just the way it is, it's good enough. let go.

"morning rain,
gently plays her rhythms on your window pane
giving you no clue of when she plans to change,
to bring rain or sunshine
and so you wait to see what she'll do
is it sun or rain for you?
but it breaks your heart in two
when you find it's october
and she's gone, and she's gone
summer's gone, taking with her summer's play"

sunny days are not anything on their own. they're just sunny days. rainy days are not anything more than rainy days, and neither are overcast days. the way i see it, days flow easier for me if i simply try to move to another perspective. only on sunny days do i get to bask, eyes closed, for as long as i need, in the sun's purifying light. only on rainy days do i get to be enveloped by the protective cloak of downfall, rumble of thunder afar.

for the longest time i didn't know what to make of overcast days. they have all the muddy lethargy of rainy days, with none of the beautiful rain. they dye everything a dull pale hue, like some pretentious indie movie. recently though, i've come to understand that that's just it: cloudy days are a grounding wire. they bring everyone down to the same level. cloudy days are neutralizing, they help stabilize the spirit. it helps thinking about the stardew valley fortune teller saying "the spirits feel neutral today. the day in your hands."

you have zero control over what people act out towards you, just how you cannot control what nature has in plans for you today. to me, that's always a pleasure. that's the beauty of it. like finding out what's on the menu today, at your favorite restaurant."

"if you wake up, and the day feels broken
just lean into the crack,
and it will tremble ever so nicely"

"i can decide what i give
but it's not up to me what I get given
unthinkable surprises about to happen
but what they are, it's not up to you.
well, it never really was"

if you'r anything like me which, if you're reading this, chances are you are, then you too are opposed to the late-stage capitalism state of the internet, web3, tiktok's capitalization of your attention span and yadda yadda. so it probably won't come as a surprise to you that i've been trying to reduce my screentime for quite a long time now, with varying success. i've uninstalled instagram and set (ignorable, but still) timers on the apps i get most addicted to.

i've even considered getting a dumbphone, but it's simply not viable where i live. in a perfect world, i'd love to find a manufacturer for old nokia-type phones, but reimagined for a modern context. you know, the old flip-phone type deal, just with modern cell data and the basic needs for basic living: digital wallet, present-day messaging apps and so on. but it looks like i'm a hipster, because somebody out there is trying to capitalize on my niche interest by expecting hundreds of dollars for a cellphone that went obsolete in the early 2010's.

ok, so no dumbphone. and no no cellphone, either. i hate to admit it, but some things simply require a cellphone in our day and age, which is a tragedy to me, but to assert the contrary would require an unhealthy amount of mental gymnastics. payment apps are commonplace where i live, and some activities like investing in dollars (and trust me, you really want to do this) can only be performed in the cellphone app for them. i'm not aware of an analog mp3 player type thing that supports spotify, so i at least have to carry it around when i go to the gym, if i don't want my ears blasted by maroon 5, or whatever other dogshit my gym owner considers to be "gym music".

• so what's the answer?

well, i've come up with a compromise. i've deviced a technique i call "phone-casting". it's basically like type-casting in coding, if you're into that. which statistically, you probably are. it's quite really. instead of carrying your hundred-dollar pocket-sized slot machine everywhere you go, before you leave with it, just ask yourself this: what am i going to need this thing for, today? is it a music player? is it a digital wallet? is it a wireless telephone? is it a digital camera? whatever you decide on, allow it to be that, and jsut that.

your cellphone has no requirement to be everything, all the time, every single day. sometimes, it can jsut be a music player. a walkman, that you take to the gym. sometimes, just the little electronic thing that you pay your restaurant bill with. before you pick up your cellphone to leave the house in the morning, tell yourself that. say to yourself: "okay, i'll be picking up my wireless telephone, in case somebody needs to get a hold of me during the day. this is my wireless telephone, for the day." don't allow your engagement to be maximized by anyone, ever.

i've started doing this, and i feel a lot better just leaving my phone near me. i don't get scared i'll start doomscrolling on it during the day, because it's not a cellphone. it's just my music player i take to the gym with me. it's not a danger to me. it's just a little brick made with blood silicon. it's not gonna come out and bite me. it can jsut stay there, and complete its function without taking a complete hold of my dopamine source. if you think it might be helpful to you, this method is there for you whenever you need it :)

the human experience: the great equalizer. we live as the main characters of our own lives for so long, we often forget that other people are also the protagonists of theirs. we witness every last one of our own tragedies, our own joys and our own sorrows. it can sometimes be hard to consider that others get theirs as well, at the very same frequency. especially when you're made to take in only the best facet of their experiences, carefully curated to paint a perfect picture on social media. we're all guilty of this. when's the last time you've had a crush so potent on someone they renounce their humanity, to become a sort of living deity in your mental pantheon?

it's only natural, putting tags on others' souls. we're evolutionarily driven to profile, pigeonhole, idealize, misrepresent, caricaturize, strawman, worship human beings. but it's your responsability — no, your duty — as a rational animal to transcend your dna.

when you walk, you are never walking alone. all around the world, the thunderous silent march of billions walking at the same pace. where are they going? what lives do they lead? what path took them to where they are today, and the thoughts they harbour? look at her, i wonder how she's doing today. do you think he's a pepsi fan, or more of a coca cola loser? i hope their day goes well. how loud are your footsteps, when compared to the whole?

remind yourself of this whenever you find yourself putting more value in the worth of a different human being than yourself, be it their words, their actions or perhaps just their appearance. remember, you are only a human. and no matter what happens, that thing you're seeing, it's only a human.

i've been a teetotaller for about a year now. i'm not a "loud party" type of person. nothing wrong with those, it's just not my style. but of course, i've always tried to be. with my old friends in my old uni, i'd never want to get left out of a potential fun time out with them. of course, nightclubs are unbearable sober. they are not spaces designed for uninebriated organisms. so i'd hurry to "get my drink in" before i'd have to actually... you know, stand around and. dance? or whatever you do in those.

as if by osmosis, i too become unbearable when i drink. i become too touchy and loud, and i just don't feel like i am myself, even if i'm having more fun than usual. drugs, legal or otherwise, they make me feel like a liar. someone wearing a mask.

partying. the staying up late. with people that neither like me nor i really like all that much back. the consuming of drugs that make me feel disgusting, with the sole intent purpose of fitting in, through becoming a different person. getting far too close too strangers. having to come back to a sad, lonely, usually untidy home, in disgusting, long-worn, smoke-stained clothes. do you know how that makes me feel?

it makes me feel old.

so i decided i'm too old for that.

it feels a little bit pretentious. it's something you'd expect to hear from a grandpa who's too close-minded to learn, you know, the bare minimum to use a cellphone, or something. how are you too old to go out and party? you're 19.

well, i am. and there's nothing wrong with it. mind you, and i want to be extremely clear about this: there is nothing wrong with doing so, either. i don't get any sense of superiority out of claiming to be "above" partying. i do somewhat like big loud night-outs, and i completely understand the appeal for them. but it's just not my style, and i've decided i've gone over this far too many times.

it's okay to try something more than once, maybe it just didn't work for you the first time around? but there's no use lying to yourself over, and over, and over again about something with the expectation to finally fit in someday. you don't need to do what everybody else is already doing. look, that clearly works for them. you don't need to keep proving it for them. try proving your own thing right, for once. say it. i'm too old to keep repeating the same old mistakes. i'm too old to keep trying this. no, i don't drink. i'm too old for that.

i'm too old for unserious, casual relationships. i've tried them. innumerable times. way too many to count. enough times that at some point i was like, alright, why? are? we? still? trying this? wouldn't it be better to just face your own personal loneliness, accept that maybe, you're just going to have to be a lone for a little while, and attempt to reconcile with your own company? be authentic. be sincere. try forming honest, deep, long-lasting friendships, and letting them blossom into something deeper for once. it's okay to not get everything all the time.

consequently, i've grown too old to keep living vicariously through others. i really don't want to find out what elon musk did this time. i really don't fucking care, seriously. i'm sure kanye west's nazi ass tweets were insane this one time around, but i think i'll be alright if i miss out on them.

"Sé muy bien que has oido hablar de mí
Y hoy nos vemos aquí
Pero la paz, en mí nunca la encontrarás
Si no es en vos, en mí nunca la encontrarás"

okay, you heard my neighbor performed a satanic ritual last week, that's great for them. what's that? the president did what? that's great for him.

start saying it! you don't need to keep learning the same lessons over and over. you can learn them once, and just move on with life. i promise you, you will not miss the wistful teenage memories of fucking yourself over the same way 15 different times. you are smarter than this. i'm too old for that.